Day 7

The producer first gave me some Melatonin, it worked nothing on me. So I moved on to Ambien. Somehow during this process, I lost the sense of taste and hunger.

"What really happened?" he asked, "insonmia doesn't just appear. Not to mention you haven't eaten for three days."

"Right, but it's too astonishing for me even to just think about it. So I use all my energy to surpress the urge of resurrecting the thought of the event." I replied weakly.

"so I guess the job and all the travels involved came for a reason and probably at the right time." he gave me a concern smile.

"yes, I guess so." I answered, "though...it will also involve a city where I left my heart behind."

Midnight, day 7 just began, my body finally crashed on me. I am glad and it is the re-opening.

Live like you were dying

A good friend of mine, he's got a friend who is a monk living in a monetary in France.

The monk doesn't keep anything as he thinks that everyone comes to this life alone and will leave this life the same way. The pictures, books, things his family and friends bring to him would be returned since nothing can be taken away when he leaves with his God. 


He said, memories will be enough for him and they can only be kept as long as his brain functions, one day, they will also disappear along with his rotten body.

It is really difficult for his family and friends to hear as if he is already prepared, everyday, to depart. He lives as the day is the last day for him on earth. So he cherishes every visits he has, every books he reads, every meals he tastes and every breath he's taken in.

Days after hearing this story, I encountered some greatest difficulties and heartaches.

I stood in front of the mirror one morning after crying to sleep the night before, watched the marks left from the tears I shed. The curtains were closed but I can see the light. 

I thought to myself,  "If today was a gift, tomorrow is not eternity, what would I do with it? What can I do with it? What should I do with it? Who do I want to spend the time with?"

I opened the window. It was sunny, the wind was breezy. I suddenly realized,

I shall not waste any minutes of my life to worry, to calculate, to think more than necessary, and to be confused.

I shall take a chance and live the moment, despite how it would turn out. I can't control the outcome, but I can make every seconds of my life counts.

If tomorrow was a gift, I shall begin living in sunshine today. We'll never know until we try.

Yesterday was gone, last weekend was far away. There might not be another day.

Old fashion

Even I work in a field that requires me to be always staying as the pioneer of everything in this digital era. I couldn't help to notice that in some ways, I am still very much old fashion.

While everyone is writing emails to each other nowadays, I try to write letters by hand if I could, especially to people I really care.

While e-book reader is getting popular around the world and honestly is very convenient, I still find holding a real book and smelling the fresh paper ink each time I turn a page more attractive.

While downloading movies and TV shows is a common practice now for nearly every young households, and I can't deny the fact that it's really economical, I still do not mind going to a theater with someone special on a Saturday evening with some popcorn in my hands.

While MP3, iPod and music related app changed the way we enjoy music, once a while I still like to take out my old CDs or just go to Rocker to listen to some phonograph records.

While uploading photos on Facebook for friends to view and forward is so much fun and addictive, I still like to have some memorable photos printed and framed, so I can show my friends and family when they come visit.

And while we are facing an aging society with fewer children to be born, I have to admit that I prefer to have a big family with many kids running around the house, and I get to watch them play and grow.

There are so many little things that I like in my life that are called old fashion. I find them attractive and even it is the complete opposite of what I do day to day, I am still going to keep them the way I like in my secret old fashion castle.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

When you reach out for help, they are right there.

They'd said, "come on out, let's go swimming and we'll take you out for dinner afterward."

You'd asked, "I might cry, do you mind?"

They'd answered, "we don't mind tears, in fact, we don't mind anything coming from you. And tomorrow is another day, we'll go hiking, we'll go tanning at the beach, because tomorrow is another day."

Friends in need are friends indeed. You just need to reach out, they'll help.

Do people really change?

Apparently it was a healing process how this blog was started and that was 6 years ago.


Then writing was part of my life and yet I haven't written anything in so many years.
Because I was a happy person during the period of my absence.
Nothing was sorrowful enough for me to write about.

Now I am back. This time, it was my decision, it was all my responsibility.

Lots changes, I made all the changes myself. It was all my decision.

I saw some sort of light in front of me, very dim and dreadfully beautiful.
Somehow it touched me, so I followed.
The light gave me the courage to do what I did.
And the light of courage that I followed turned out to be dimmer than ever.
___________

Note:
I have to let some of the articles go after reviewing them all today.
Because they are no longer appropriate for anyone to read, including myself.

When the past catches up with the present

Tonight, part of my history caught up with me.

This is the first time I was actually fine.

It wasn't as bad as I imagined,

I thought it would be a crazy blast or some kind.

It was actually fine.

No attraction, no reaction, no relations.

I escaped from the past which I was not allowed to touch.

F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!

P.S. it was Munich, NY, Rottendam, and Mongolia.

Happy Marriage, Henny Love

My beautiful cousin Henny got married.

After a 700-guest-engagement-party,

and another 700-guest-wedding-reception,

one traggic sad death and a funeral for my uncle in the middile of the farm in Puli,

10 different news clippings on TV and newspapers about her husband's kidnapping story.

My beautiful cousin Henny finally got married.

Henny darling, I wish you happy, all your life.

Grandma

Triple bypass was her last choice - or - our last hope.
At the age of 85.

Struggled with the death for more than 2 weeks in the ICU
We made up our minds.

If we gave up on the last choice - that means we gave up on her last hope.

At the age of 85.
She had her triple bypass.
20:00~12:30
October 23~October 24, 2007.

My dearest grandma, survived.
All the family members arrived.
Including our little 5-month old Max.

My dearest grandma, surivived.
She is so strong that she is coping with the pain.
It will take at least 3 months for her chest bones to grow back together.
It will take more than 1.5 years for the wound to fully recovered.
It will take 3 years for her to feel like a human again.

My 85 years old grandma,
holding my 89 years old grandpa's hands.
So tight.
She touched his face, she had her tears.

I love you, grandma.
Stay with us, stay with us.

It's for you, A.S.M.

Sometimes, it is better to leave the past in the past.

I tried to locate A ever since he disappeared from my world.
That was more than 7 years ago.
There was no way I can contact him.
Everything kind of just put on hold.

Until 2 months ago,
Thanks to modern technology, the e-community.
I found him.

A man I believe dead came back alive.
Smiling and looking happy.
I wanted to leave him a message.
But then I was afraid of doing so would bring back those unbearable.

He’s smiling happily next to a beautiful woman.
The same smile he used to give it to me.
He didn’t change a bit.
I am just happy for the fact that he is no longer a “missing person” in my world.

So sometimes, I think,
Some people in the past memories are better left in the past.
I just want to keep his name, his smile and our memories in my heart.
Nothing else.

Note:
If you remember Kenting, A.
I refused to go back after your disappearance.
Until 3 years ago.
The same blue sky, the same blue ocean.
Different people, difference minds.

HB, R.

I remember, he must think that I don't. But I do.

Exactly 110 days have passed.
During these days, I experienced constant visits in the hospital, studying, lack of money after a 4-month traveling, teaching kids, laughing, crying, saying good-byes to friends, and welcoming an unborn new baby.... so many so many things except contacting him.

Exactly 110 days have passed.
I can see things much more clear and I finally understand why there was a heartbreak for me.
I finally realized that he was right and I was wrong, and life must go on.

I didn't write, I didn't call, I didn't think, and I didn't go back.
He must think that I don't remember what date it was, but I do.
I just need not to hurt him and mostly hurt myself anymore.
So and I know, I am gone, finally, for good good good.

I cherish my new life, with and without him.

HB, R.

Angel

It was sudden when I realized that there's someone else standing next to me...
By my side, you see that curley messy hair with big blue eyes...
By my side, sense the greatest smile you can ever find...
The big white bear who was constantly chasing after me was fading,
For a second the bear flew into the sky, flew towards the outer space and I can't lie,
I was fine.

It was so unexpected and I just realized.
I have an angel now by my side.

Love Lost

Mr. L sent Miss B an email.
The emotion is so great that Miss B didn't know how to feel.

But mate, if you two are meant to be together, you will be together.
I still believe in that... can't give up on hope just because someone once left you an ugly scar.
Life goes on, that person moves on... even without you.
So,
Dry your eyes, darling.
Your life will go on and the best thing will show up.
____________________________________________________________________

I now realize in retrospection that I had the perfect girl and gave her up. Whether it was out of pure rationalization or merely stupidity I may never know. Love is not something that you can look at with a realist's perspective. It supersedes that which can be rationalized. Love must be approached with the idea that you will both make sacrifices in order to stay together. It should not be thought of as placing a constraint on the other's life, which it so often seems, but simply adding some new and exciting twist. I know that there is probably some sense of jealousy on my part, but this is not the reason for my desire to get back together.

I wake up thinking of this girl and I go to sleep dreaming of this girl. It pains me to think that I may never be with her again. Everything I see and hear reminds me of some distant memory and the excitement that she once brought to my life. A shirt she gave me our first Christmas together. The watch around my wrist. The scrolls that tower above the head of my bed. I even cuddle with the pillow she once gave me. I try not to think of her or our history together, but it is impossible.

If she is gone, I will forever remember her and what I gave up. I will wonder what life would have been like had I not made that one fateful decision. What would our kids have looked like? What would we have named them? Where would we have lived? What minuscule things would we fight about? And even the all important question of who would be crowned doop-master? Questions like these would remain on my mind throughout my life.

We may not have had the perfect relationship, but who does? If you are truly in love, you will make the adjustments to satisfy the other. I may have figured this part out too late. I still believe that were I given another chance, things would be different. I now understand how wonderful she was to have in my life and how much of an amazing person she truly is.

The thoughts in my head keep running. I will continue to go over what I did wrong and what I could have done differently. I will also remember the great time that we did spend together and wonder if I will ever have my love again…
____________________________________________________________________

When you lose something, you gain another.
Trust me.

Dry your eyes

On the train, The Streets' singing -
_________________________________________

In one single moment your whole life can turn around,
I stand there for a minute staring straight into the ground,
Lookin' to the left slightly, then looking back down.
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown.

"Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us,
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust,
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust,
We can even have an open relationship, if you must."

I look at her she stares almost straight back at me,
But her eyes glaze over like she's looking straight through me.
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity,
When they open up she's looking down at her feet.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
But you've got to walk away now.
It's over.

So then I move my hand up from down by my side,
It's shaking, my life is crashing before my eyes.
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies,
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh:

"Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me,
There's things I can't imagine doing, things I can't imagine seeing,
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely.
Please, please, I'm begging, please."

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested,
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with.
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures,
By pushing my hand away to my chest, from hers.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
But you've got to walk away now.
It's over.

And I'm just standing there,
I can't say a word.
'Cause everythin's just gone.
I've got nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

Trying to pull her close out of bare desperation.
Put my arms around her trying to change what she's saying.
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in,
Look into her eyes to make her listen again,

"I'm not gonna fucking, just fucking leave it all now.
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow.
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down,
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town."

She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist.
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight.
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face,
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
But you've got to walk away now.
It's over.

I know in the past I've found it hard to say,
Telling you things, but not telling straight.
But the more I pull on your hand and say,
The more you pull away.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
But you've got to walk away now.
___________________________________________

V: I feel that I will never be able to love anyone like I love him anymore.
E: There's always someone who is willing to love you, always.
V: They are not him. I don't love them.
E: But there is always another, always.
V: I feel that my world has finished.
E: No, your new world just began...with another...like always.
V: But he's the one for me, I know he's the only one for me.
E: Your eyes are dry now, darling, there's no such thing as only.

Lucia

Beautiful Lucia is from Alicante of Spain, a beautiful beach town. We befriended during my visit there.

She is a model and she is in films and commercials.
But one cannot feel at all her pride.
She's humble and she's wonderful.

Today, she touched my heart.

She named her band after my name.
And their first gig under my name will be presented this Saturday in Spain.

What a honor! I love her. 

It's about Paris

I've been to Paris many times throughout the years,

There were always something new that would amaze me in the city.

So I'd re-visited those "important-world-famous" sites over and over again.

After 3 attempts of the visits of Musee de Lourve, I've got to see Mona Lisa closely.
I stared at her for 30 minutes as if she would come alive.

Stood among crowds from everywhere in the world,
I walked through The Champs-Elysees from where the Arc de Triomphe stands,

I gently floated through the history of Paris while looking into the Seine and those 37 bridges which connect the left bank to the right.
And imagine once, this Seine was redden by thousands of bodies that floated past in 1572.

Spent hours wandering the small alleys in Montmartre and viewing those great artists' works,
The kitschy Moulin Rouge with its signature neon windmill still does a roaring trade as I danced through the streets.

Be-friended with the not-so-young Parisian waiters at Saint-Germain-Des-Pres,
and located those places I've once been to throughout the years.

Watched that giant Tour Eiffel and gasped the making of the wonders.
Bikers and skaters got together every Friday evening for the city's ride,
as they passed by me, I saw the vibe.

Grabbed the best ice-cream in France in the middle of Ile de la Cite and Ile St.-Louis,
Found myself sitting by the bank of the Seine with the locals who were also having their picnic with same ice-cream of mine.

Notre-Dame, Musee Picasso, Musee d'Orsay, Victor Hugo... la la la of Parisians' pride.

Oh, listen now, I just heard non-stopping honking and screaming over this evening,
Just outside my window, I heard the celebration.
France just won over Brazil for the 2006 FIFA World Cup and advanced to Semi-finals!

There were always something new to see every time I arrived.
It's a city no other cities can be compared to.
It is just Paris.
And Paris shines.

Left my heart in Munich

Behind those hazel eyes

The first impression is not necessarily correct.

V spotted M in KK near the city center on a Friday evening. It was a chilly summer night.
M has soft brown hair with long curves at the end, messy but with strong personality. He has a beautiful face for a man, unshaven beard at the tip of his chin.

V saw him 20 minutes after she entered KK looking for her friends.
She immediately spotted this beautiful looking young man who was with a group of friends chatting and laughing right next to her table.

"What a beautiful face," she thought to herself.
V asked her friends to check M out.
They giggled and giggled.

V and M talked after V's friend approached him for her one hour later.

"Why are you doing this to me?" M's very first sentence said to V after he sat down next to her.
"Excuse me?" V’s heart was beating fast.
"Yeah, why are you doing this to me? I am in a conversation with my friend and why your friend insisted me sitting here with you?" M replied in an upset tone of voice.
"Oh my, I am sorry, I have no idea what my friend said to you, but if you feel uncomfortable sitting here, please do return to your seat. We were just discussing how beautiful your face is, that's it." V answered.
M looked at V in her eyes, puzzled but pleased.
"I know I am pretty." He said.

That was the very first time V saw M's eyes.
Those big eyes with color she cannot describe.

M stayed to chat with V.
Most of the time, he has puzzled facial expression about things she said.
V felt a bit unsure about where to look when she talked.
His puzzled eyes were quite hard to identify.
Nevertheless, it was easy to tell that both M and V were interested.
They exchanged phone numbers and decided to meet the next day.

Her first impression for M was simple. M is a beautiful young man, who knows he's beautiful,
This means that he knows how and possibly plays with his beauty towards women.
"It is fun and it will be just for fun," V thought to herself after she left KK.
"It's not so hard to deal with snobbish people or people like him,"
V was working in an industry which there are enough snobbish celebrities to deal with before she left the company two months ago.
"And he's just a boy."

But first impression is not necessarily correct.
Certainly first intention can be changed.

V didn't know exactly how it all started.
V discovered more of what she wanted to know about M originally in the following month.
M was young but ambitious.
Surely girls fell all over for him all the time, however he's not as playful as she thought he was.
In many ways, M was quite traditional.
He wanted to finish his school and got married to the girl he loves by the age of 26 because he didn’t want to be an old dad.

V is eight years older than M,
She was successful in many ways already and her life was pretty much set.
She loved listening to him talking about his stories so she can learn more about him.

Then, unexpectedly, V fell.
Didn't know how it happened, but she fell for him.

When M decided to end, V was surprised to find herself feeling confused and hurt.
She asked him to look into her eyes and told her the truth.
M's words and reasons were pounding her brain.
But V saw something else from his eyes.
Those eyes with color she cannot define.

V left where M stayed.
M kissed her on her lips and watched her walk away.
V realized what it was all about behind those eyes.

They will meet again, and feelings cannot be killed.
The eyes told.
________________________________________

"Are those eyes hazel?" I asked.
"What's hazel?" he answered.
"The color of your eyes." I said.
"I have no idea, they are between brown and green" he replied.
Ah - behind those hazel eyes, I saw my own reflection.

My Germany

Keep Alicante in heart and we just stay there, you said

More than 10 years

One of my best girlfriends - Mong - from junior college got married last weekend.
Once again, I missed the wedding since I am never in Taiwan.
We chatted over the internet - thanks to technology - and she updated me lots people's news.

Those people who once passing through my teenager's life.

It was 14 years ago when all of us met in the junior college in pan-chiao (Chih-Lee).
I just graduated from the junior high school.
That summer, I had short hair just below my earlope.
Eagerly wanted to grow up or to be recognized as a grownup, I permed it with curves.

First day in school, I met all four of them, who later became my best friends for the next 5 years.
We joined the band club together,
Mong and Wen played drums, Yi and Ying played clarinet, and I played trumpet.
That was my 5 years in the junior college.
Classes, band, home, and boyfriends.

I met so many people from the band club,
Some I thought they would stay important to me all through my life.
But it never happened.

More than 10 years has passed by.
My life changed tremedously since my graduation at the age of 20.
The girls, I see them once in 3 years.
The boyfriends, two got married, one moved to New York.
The trumpet, never touched it again.

I cherish my friendship with the girls deeply,
but our lives went to different directions for the past 10 years,
we grew apart.

Mong updated me lots people's news over the internet today.
Those people who once passed through my youth, and most of them didn't stay.
There are so many changes to each one of them.
I can't deny that people do change, but you just need more than 10 years to see the difference.
I am the best case, even my taste for food changed.

It's been more than a decade.
Life can be so interesting.
I gave up on the complication, now I yearn for simplicity.

2006 FIFA World Cup Fever

It was eight years ago when I first experienced the crazy football fever.

Summer of 1998, Los Angeles
I was there with a group of French students and a group of Brazilian students in the TV room of UCLA. Not sure about the game but that night, we celebrated it with the French, and I fell in love with the sport.

Summer of 2002, London
Traditional powers Germany were actually not on the tongues of most as favourites before the tournament. But they made it to the final.
I had to woke up so early in order to catch the time difference between Europe and Asia.
Standing in central London, it ended with its most familiar conclusion,
The yellow-clad South Americans holding aloft the FIFA World Cup trophy,
Brazil claimed its fifth world championship.
I became a fanatic football fan for the sake of the excitement.

Summer of 2006, Munich
I am witnessing every step of every game live from the country of the official host.
Began with last Thursday, opening game of 2006 FIFA World Cup here in Munich.
I celebrated Germany's pride with the other 35,000 Germans,
We partied from 7:30pm when the game finished until 4:30am when everyone on the street of Gielastrasse were drunk.
I've been spending my days at the world famous Olympia park following the games,
After Germany's second victory last night, I know this sport stays in me.
I am becoming a football fan with knowledge of the sport, knowing the history, the tactic, the rules, the players...

It's football carnival here, I am in the carnival every second of my life at the moment.
Which country I am in favor to win since there's no Taiwan?
Deutschland und England vor!
For these two nations fulfilled my life and built me who I am today.

La casa de mi abuela

La casa de mi abuela, My grandmother's house

Our friend Adan's new film has been released in Spain, finally.
This feature documentary has won several international awards in different film festivals and more to come!
Here's the trailer and the official website:

http://www.lacasademiabuela.info

Adan and Miguel are working on their new film, this time, a triller.
I will post the trailer link as soon as they finish editing! Haha~~

Proud of you boys!

Creator of own self and projector of the others

Reading my past is something interesting for me.
I remember all those feelings when I write something down.
But then I also see my own changes over the time.
From constant talking about the same thing until talking about my own life.
I know I am not over it, but I am definitely moving on.

Under the dark clouds and sprinkle rain,
I let myself soaked in the cold Pacific ocean this weekend.
My thoughts were clear.
I've secretly made up my mind.

When we are in love, we tend to make the other half "the one".
The image of "the one" can be created by the blindness of love affair.
Until the day the story ends.
Suddenly "the one" is no longer "the one".
Then we realize that we are the maker of our own self and the creator of the others.

Vianne

Vianne's story began 8 years ago.
Then, she was all naive and pure.
She was put in a whole new world where there were lots temptations.
One night, she got to her feet, took the offer from the devil.
She fell right into the trap with no one watching.

Within two short months, Vianne learned how to play the field.
She also learned to deal.

Vianne got to be very good with this new game,
and began her travels and experiences in the world.
She thought, she was simply enjoying her youth and beauty.
She went on seeing so many places and meeting so many people.

8 year later, Vianne became tough and independent.
At least that's what others think who she is.

She was once told that she was too strong that the man she loved cannot protect her but to leave her.
She was also told that she seems able to handle difficulties in life, so it is all right to leave her alone.

Vianne did learn a lot over the 8 years.
So much that she realized that there is something important for her have gone missing.
But she is too tough and strong so that no one believes her.

She laughs together with friends during the day,
She cries alone with herself during the night.
8 years has passed by...

Vianne is no longer naive nor pure.
She is left with deep sadness, emptiness and built a huge wall inside her.

Vianne's story continues 8 years later
She knew that the story cannot be finished, not now.
Because "she" is that something important which have gone missing.

I learn something today

Never try to go forcing some jerks to un-jerkify,
Because you will fail.
The best way to deal with jerks is not to even bother dealing with jerks at all.

I can't say more, but I suddenly understand it all.
Doesn't matter how good a first impression can be,
if you don't work on it, the other bad impression will definitely catch up.

So, allow me to say this:

You,
Are So Fired.

Good luck on your soul searching, I have no time to waste anymore.

Nervous

Peace out in 9 days,
I am a bit nervous.
It might not be a good idea.
Afterall, I tried so hard to get to where I am now.
Will the trip destory it?

So bad that I stop writing if you noticed it.

Scribblings

There are more than a thousand photos in that CD,
finally I checked them all out again today.
It was partly familiar, but mainly confusing.

I saw myself smiling next to you, here and there.
I remembered how much I felt,
But I know it is not the same anymore.

I am happy to know that you are having a new life with new people around you.
I know for a fact that our past will stay in the past.
And I heard our distance from our voices...

I walked out of that world 2 months ago.
Crumbled but survived.
Everything was shifted to the crazy life I got myself into.
Day after day, as if there is no tomorrow.

But today, the first time in the past two months,
Instead of out partying crazy,
I am sitting here writing my dairy on a Saturday evening.

Bailey's in my hand, gouda cheese by the side.
I feel calm.
After all those drama.

In 1 week, I will finish my life at GH.
In 3 weeks, I will be back in Europe again.
A bit nervous, but I know I will be just fine.
I am entering to another phase of my life.

I've learned so much about how short a life can be,
I really have no time to waste anymore.
Feeling beautiful, for no one.
Feeling happy, just by myself.

A woman's worth

That was quite an illusion, everything happened too fast.
You haven't even recap the whole story. It was ended.
Small fire was there, but intense wind blew it off.
Now, only left with regrets.

"Life in all its myriad complexity is a fucking bitch"
That's a quote I agreed with.

I promised, it will never happen again.
A woman should worth much more than a week.

Distance

The ache went away from me day after day.
Werid feeling is that I still remember the ache, just I can't feel the ache anymore.
It's so werid that I feel ... surreal.

I know it's still there, but it's also not there.
The more I do what I do now, the longer the distance it is from here to there.
You see, I still remember how painful that ache caused me.
But, I can't feel it anymore.

Stone of friendship

Madonna's song was on..
"Time goes by, so slowly... so slowly... so slowly"
We found ourselves on a roadtrip.
Just Bianca, Heather and I.
Everything was so spantenous, the plans and trips were decided within 36 hours.
From Taipei, we drove through Yi-lan, stayed in Hualien, before we headed down to Taitung for Green Island.

Bianca found a stone with 3 colors, black, yellow and white, in the gorge.
"Stone of friendship!!" she called out!
"3 colors like us!!" Heather followed.
We bounded right at the moment.
I am such a lucky person who is able to have friends like them.

The trip went great, non of us wanted it to end.
Madonna
Bien-shi
Ice-cream muah-chi
Stone of friendship
Tie of manhood
Flying cat
Vomitting on flying cat
Scooter on Green Island
3-hour bikini hotspring by the ocean, stared by everyone.
Sleeping talk
Heather's soon-immigrant cat
Saul as a last name
Europe trips
.......
so many, so many, so many ...

I am so lucky to have met you girls.
Guys left, but you stayed.
Girl power!
I love you!

Mother

Mother had a dream last night.
She ran into her boss on the street.

He asked: how's your daugther?
Mother said: she is talking about going away to study a PhD again, and before we even finish the discussion, she left.
He said: if she likes it that much, let her do what she likes.

Mother woke up with mixture feelings of sadness and happiness.
She went to check on me in my bedroom, just stayed there by my door.
Saw me sleeping quietly on my bed, covered in R's duvet.
Then she thought: thank god my daugther hasn't left yet.

Mother had a dream about me last night.
She always has sixth sense about my plans of leaving.
She called once at my worst time of life out of the blue,
when I had a bad panic attack and about to hurt myself.

She gave my life to me.
She then saved me.
She is my mother.

Long journey

Life is so short. I experienced it.
I asked myself what I would like to do if I know my life will end?

What do I want to do?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to see?

I found that my answers are so clear.

I want to continue doing things I planned to do. No changes should be made.
I want to go to places I've never been to, one after another.
I want to see my dear friends around the world, visit every single one of them who made my life colorful.

The journey will be lonely, but I am coping with it.

Thank you,
K, Miguel, Michael, Areti, Daniel, Blandine, Emma, and Raquel.
The trips are difficult to plan for there are too many destinations,
but I am really glad that you will be there for me.

We will have my birthday in Spanish way,
Take long walks and talks in German woods,
Have wonderful friendship and my dreams in England,
Enjoy artistic and relaxing moments at the French Cafes,
Drink nice Greek Frappe for a hot summer day,
Smoke Turkish shisha in the ruins of history,
Write by the lake in Swiss Alps.

Then, I will see my motherland.

The journey will be lonely, but I will be happy.

Lost my mobile

I lost my mobile just a few hours ago.
Now I am sure it is gone, no one will be so nice to return it to me.

I don't care about the money for me to get a new mobile or to apply for the old number,
the thing is that I lost many important numbers, a lot of them, overseas.
It will be a crazy job for me to ask everyone to send me their numbers again.

Another thing is that I lost some photos I would like to keep in that mobile.
It's just like history, even my photos are leaving me.

I read you

Reading is something important in my life, just like writing.
You get to read the deepest thoughts that can't be say in speaking words.
You read characters, emotions, and feelings.

So I read.
Every single word.

I read you.
Therefore, I understand you.

I write about you.
Therefore, you'll understand me... when you grow up.

Stoned

I started my crazy party life again about 4 weeks ago.
It was days and nights, constant parties.
I can't eat and I can't sleep, party seems to be a solution to me.
Haven't experienced this since I was 25.

Last night was classic-
I have to admit, I have never been this stoned before.

The whole evening, I feel I am the slowest person in the entire world.

"The apple is running..."
"My legs are fast but I am slow..."

I woke up at a strange environment,
I thought I was going to feel uncomfortable about it.
But, it turned out to be relaxing.
Thank you E for being a gentleman,
Took me in, gave me food, let me showered, and made me laughed.
Like I said, this process was tough. And you helped.

Finally, I am feeling hungry and tired today.
The stonest night, the slowest me.

Stepped out

Finally, I stepped out.
From the world of R.

I didn't think too much.
I just did it.
I took the taxi, went straight to the place.
I laughed, I drank, I smoked.

Then I found my feet outside the world of R.
Beginning: 2am, June 11, 2005
End: 2am, February 16, 2006

I know there will be no turning back now,
Once you stepped out, it's histroy.
Because the vow is broken.

Insomnia

Spent 10 hours online last night, did absolutely nothing.
Sold some stuff on Yahoo Auctions, checked emails, updated blog, read news,
and ...
a lot of searching...

Have you ever miss someone or something so badly that you try so hard search about it or him or her online? Have you ever checked out that particular person's information over and over and over again online as if it would change every time you push that magical bottom "re-fresh the page"?

The most difficult time for me is some time like right now, deep at night. Sleepless.
I have insomnia problem for the past 5 years.
I found that I sleep much better if there's someone next to me.
To be accurate, there were only 3 people that I actually can sleep next to and feel so comfortable about.
When they departed from my life one after another, I became sleepless.

The most difficult time for me is right now.
The night is so deep, I can only hear the typing on my laptop and nothing else.
My brain is full of thoughts, restless thoughts, like a stream of river.
As if my sleeping bear inside me is about to wake up.

I don't remember a lot of things,
but I know I miss you so much.

Grand opening

I had to let some of my articles go if I want this blog open to everyone.
So I deleted them as part of my memories cannot be shared.
It's good, in a way, those articles shouldn't stay.
I will have them written in my novel.

Then, we'll see.
I often change my mind.

Back

Professsional photographers can actually capture the best shots. They made people beautiful

Port

I bought a bottle of port from Portugal because I liked it when I tried in one late afternoon in Macau. The atmosphere was right, I was with my good friend from Paris.

Then this bottle of port sit in my cellaret for the past 9 month.
I opened other bottles sitting around it, but never this particular bottle of port.

Days passed,
I began losing my memories of the taste of it,
I wasn't even quite sure why I wanted it then.
It just sits there, quietly.

Two days ago,
I craved some cheese or brie badly.
Happily spent fortune on it.
Went home.
Suddenly, the crave of some wine hit my brain.
"It would be wonderful to open a bottle of red wine now with my cheese,"
I thought to myself.

Then, I realized that I have...
6 different bottles of white wine
3 bottles of strong liquor
1 bottle of Baileys

But there is no red but this particular bottle of port, which I don't even remember how it tastes.

"What the heck," I said to myself.
I have K opened it, we sat down with cheese and this port.

Just like that,
I have my second encounter with this port from Portugal.
When it touched my tongue, my whole taste bud revived.
All the reasons why I wanted this bottle of port, suddenly came back to me.
It was so nice that I blamed myself letting it sit there for so long,
and even worse, not to remember how wonderful it is.

Sometimes first experience was wonderful,
so we try to keep it by owning it.
But days after days, it gets less interesting and less imaginary.
We begin losing the original wonderfulness of it.
Until one day,
there's a second experience.
This experience of wonderfulness normally last much longer than the first.

It applies to everything, every objects and every human beings.

Tattoo

A pair of wings designed by my name.
Ming, on the left.
Ying, on the right.

Ming is the Sun and the Moon, it means bright and smart.
Ying is the representitive of modern, intelligence and new.

The wings are quietly lying against each other,
Nicely stay at the lower back of mine,
The sensible part of my body.

You may see my wings when I am in my jeans and bent over my upper body,
You may see my wings, if you are lucky.

Uncertainty

Days passed, the lost feelings of mine came back to me after it disappeared for about 2 years, Kev said that it is called "quarter life crisis".

I am at the uncertain stage of life, part of me doesn't want to move on from what I am doing right now but part of me want myself enbracing the life of excitment by doing something completely different than now.

This contains a lot of courage and yet again, uncertainty.

I cannot plan anything longer than 6 months from now because I need to worry about how to support my life by having no income and just to realize a dream of mine.

A naive dreammer, I am.
A uncertain future, it is.

Nicole's birthday 2004

Friends at Nicole's birthday, I was a bit drunk.. can't you tell??

Nicole's birthday party 2004

We used to hang out before she moved to Taichung

Miquel's birthday, 2004

Scorpios are difficult...

1999

Ming back in 1999, Houston TX

My memories of Bristol, England

Thanks to them, I survived through the years of craziness, 2001~2004

I love my family

My family, 2004

Happy Halloween

Crazy student outlook

1998~1999, 2003

That's Emma

Cutie Ming

Kelly drew me in 5 minutes

Cutie Ming in real life

Christmas Eve 2005

Entry to nowhere

My space on MSN didn't work for the past month, don't know what happened, it just stop letting me post anything I want to post.

So to create a new blog became something I need to do since I write a lot over the internet. It kills me if I can't express myself through writing words.

Got myself a laptop finally last weekend for the purpose of writing my novel. Writing in Chinese is difficult recently for me and I don't know why. Maybe I just need time to get used to it again..

Anyway, here's my entry to this blog, it goes to nowhere and I hope one day there will be an exit.